you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
