shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
This is not my ceiling
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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