I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
