i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize