why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
