I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize