I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
