We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
cat food counts as protein by the way
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
