the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
