You really coming over, don't trick.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
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