sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
