my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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