He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
