New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
