I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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