Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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