If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
