Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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