Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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