Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
