More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
