I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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