Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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