I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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