yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
