Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
