Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
