she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
That reminds me...we need to get swords
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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