I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
