I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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