my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
