i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
