Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
