i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
