just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It's rum buckets o'clock
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
