I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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