I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
