Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
