Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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