The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
