Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
