I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
