your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize