i think my mom watched the whole time
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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