Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Come share oat with me in your robe
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
