marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Randomize