Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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