There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
