Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
