no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
