his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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