So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
