How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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