If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
