Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
