i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
