You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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