I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
