So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
