I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
