there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
