Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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