Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
