We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize