the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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