Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
